Only a fool doesn’t keep a “blocker” hand in their pocket while carrying an infant in a papoose. Your chances of re-procreation, depend on it.
Bribe regularly and unapologetically. Children are immune to threats.
It’s OK to use your child as a social crutch. Consider “You’re looking tired” as an acceptable way to teleport yourself out of any situation.
You will never be approached by more beautiful women than when you’re with your child. Enjoy fatherhood’s secret bonus with impunity.
There is one toy that allows you to play without ever leaving the sofa. Gentlemen, I give you the helicopter.
If tedious drug anecdotes define conversations with irritating twentysomethings, tedious effluence anecdotes define conversations with irritating thirtysomethings.
Fatherhood is no excuse for Crocs. There is absolutely no excuse for Crocs.
A word about “sharenting”: no self-respecting man should Instagram a snap of his offspring from a public account. Your child is not a social media engagement strategy.
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